Three Weeks

We can not believe that has been three weeks since the Lord has taken our Hope Asaiah home to be with Him. I have been conflicted about this blog. I have wanted to share what we have been going through and then I want to just be private and hold onto my husband and kids and cry. The emotions and pain have been hard. The physical pain of going through a c-section and then not having a baby in my arms has been hard. Something I wrote to a friend in an email today struck me and I decided it was time to share a little. As far as keeping this blog going I'm not sure? But for now here it goes....



These past three weeks have been , by far, the hardest of my life. Someone said that they wished that I had not had to go through the pregnancy and be so sick and in pain for all that time just to lose her. I have to be honest. I have had moments that I have cried out to God, "Why? Why did we endure that time and pain for you to take her?" But that thought goes quickly with this thought, "Thank you , thank you Lord for allowing us that time to hold our sweet girl. Thank you for the precious love that you have for us that we were able to see her beautiful face and hold her and kiss her." I am so very thankful for that one hour and 15 minutes that she was here and would do it all over again in a heartbeat.



I did not know that my heart could physically hurt this bad. I find that it is so hard to try and explain the physical and emotional pain. What is amazing is even in hurt and pain I can TOTALLY feel God's loving arms wrapped around me. Softly He is saying , "I know how you feel, I've been there. It's ok to hurt, I've got you." Our family is experiencing that wonderful peace that passes all understanding even in our grief and pain. I am so thankful. It is so hard to understand why things happen. Why do young children lose their mommy to cancer? Why do drunk drivers survive a car accident when the person they hit dies? Why did God choose to take Hope? I don't have any of those answers and never will. What I do know without a shadow of a doubt is that ..."we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him..." Romans 8:28 That isn't an empty promise. This is another promise that I am holding onto... "weeping may remain for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5b I am thankful that my God is with me in the joyful times and in the pain and grief. I find great comfort in that.



Thank you again for all of your prayers. We are so very thankful for the family and friends that have been serving us.

Ultrasound 4-26-10

The technician was able to get a great picture of Hope's little fingertips. You can see her cheek by her thumb.

The kids love this picture of her foot. We all can't wait to smooch her little toes.

There's our sweet girl's profile. Just sleeping away. Always a joy to be able to see her so much.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. " James 1:2-3

Just the day before our ultrasound our pastor started a sermon series from the book of James. God's timing for James 1:1-8 to be taught just the day before Hope's ultrasound was well....perfect. Isn't His timing always that way? Andy and I got up Monday morning with just a complete joy and peace knowing that God is in total control of all things and our daughter is in the best hands ever, her maker and creator!!!

On the way to the visit we had a great time of talking and preparing. Our technician for the day was very sweet and helpful. Hope was sleeping and just casually moving around and stretching here and there. It was so sweet to watch her stretch her little hand and see all five fingers spread out and then quickly go back to a fist on top of her forehead. We are so blessed to be able to see baby Hopie as much as we do. (that is her nickname given by the two littles) Here is what the latest is..... The hygroma was 1.8 this time, last apt it was 1.7. Her heart still looks wonderful and we rejoiced that her kidney has gone down in dialation! The fluid in her brain measured at 11.1 and last visit it was 12.2. So that went down a little, but the doctor said it can go either way and will keep a close eye on the measurements. Today was the first time they measured the amniotic fluid. I measured at 22.9 and 25 is the concern level. So they will be watching that very closely as well. We are not sure what that means, but we have learned to not ask questions and "worry" about things that we do not need too. We just continue to pray for our doctors that the Lord pours out His wisdom on them, please pray this with us!!!

As for contractions.... I am doing well with the two medications. We only have about 2 or 3 contractions an hour now. That is SO much better. Each week we see as a huge milestone and are so very thankful. We are half way through week 28 and when we really think about it long enough we are blown away by God's goodness and love for us. We know that we are still going to be facing trials in the up and coming weeks, but we also know that God is in total control. He has proven Himself faithful time and time again. I am thankful for the journey that He has our family on. We are learning to really trust in Him and give over all control, like we had any to begin with. :) We love you all and are so thankful for your encouragement and love through this.

Quick Update

I went to the OB today for a "quick" check to see if the new med is working. I told the doctor that I still contract on the medicine. So she did an exam to see if anything had changed. Good news is that I am still only 1cm dialated but now I am 40% effaced. Just a little change. I was thankful it wasn't more. So now I am to take motrin with the medicine for the contractions. They are hoping that the two together will help settle things down. We will see. :) Andy and I have Hope's ultrasound this next Monday. We have a nice list of questions to ask the doctor about the latest witht the fluid on her brain. Happy Monday to him!!! :) I am so very thankful that God has provided us with these wonderful doctors. Please pray for God to give them wisdom as they take care of Hope and make plans for the near future.

update

Since our OB appointment last Thursday, things have been a ride! My poor family. :) On Thursday the doctor checked me and I have started to dialate from the contractions that I have been having. When she checked me that morning I was 1cm and everything else was ok. She told me to take Procardia every 4 hours no matter what and then come back in one week. Well... I had an allergic reaction to that med and was still contracting about 5-6 contractions in an hour. So... back to the labor and delivery triage we go. (I brought my own belts with me this time, the nurse was very thankful!) After watching the contractions on the monitor they gave me a shot of another medication and waited. The doctor checked me again and now I was a "solid" 1cm and now 20% effaced. They sent me home with a RX of the new med and I am to take it every 4 hours. I am still contracting here and there. When I get to the 5-6 contractions in an hour I lay down and wait it out. I will be going back to the doctor this Thursday. We are praying that this new medication will help keep Hope in mommy's tummy for a little longer.

Ultrasound 4-12-10

Today was our 26 week ultrasound, yes 26 weeks!!! We are so thankful that God has brought us this far. Today's appointment wasn't as full of good news like the past apts have been. But we are choosing to praise God in the good news and praise Him in the "bad" news. A lot easier said than done though I have to admit. Let's start filling you in on the good news. She is growing very well and is already 2 pounds and 4 ounces. A little side note, her feet are huge!! The tech just got her two feet in view and we both couldn't believe how big they are. They are very long and skinny. Her heart is looking great and everything is looking proportioned. The doctor was encouraged by her growth and said that so far her umbilical cord does not seem to be hindering her growth. Now with the prayer requests. Her kidney is still dilated, but we will just keep watching. Nothing in a horrible range just yet. They did focus a lot on her brain today and said that she does have a level of fluid in the Left Ventricle that he is concerned about. They do not like to see anything over 10 and her levels were measuring at 12.5. As far as what this means, we just don't know yet. Instead of going back in a month he will do another ultrasound in two weeks to measure the fluid. From there we will either wait and watch or possibly order a fetal MRI to take a closer look at things. I know I don't need to ask, but please pray for Hope. Pray that she is not in any pain from the pressure that the fluid could be causing and that this will not cause permanent damage. We would also ask that you pray for wisdom for the doctors. We know that none of this is a surprise to God and He has it all under control. I go in for an appointment to the regular OB on Thursday and I will hopefully be able to ask her some questions about this newest situation. Dr. Sorenson is very helpful and I am looking forward to talking with her. A side note: I am contracting a lot. So today the doctor gave me a prescription to help calm them down. I was so thankful that they are able to help us with that.

Resting in God's Mighty and capable Hands,

Andy and Jenn

Week 24

Did you hear it??? Did you hear the big sigh of relief that Andy and I had when we realized that today we are 24 weeks!!! That means that the medical community consider Hope "viable" and if needed they will intervene and help to keep her in mommy's tummy. This was a huge milestone that our entire family has been counting down for. Hope is still doing wonderful. She moves alot. Nathan and I were chatting about how active she is and he said in his 8 year old wisdom, "mom, what if she is just a girl version of Ben???" We both looked at eachother and did the Home Alone grab of the face and yelled. (Ben is VERY, VERY busy and keeps us all on our toes all day long.) Daddy, Hannah and Nathan have all felt Hope kick. Elisabeth is a little bitter, every time she puts her hand on my tummy Hope stops moving. She is already teasing her older sister.

So Hope is doing great, but mommy can't seem to get these kidney stone issues under control. I was back in the hospital on March 18th. I was having tons of painful contractions and they were very steady with a lot of back pain. I knew I wasn't in labor, but I also knew I was hurting and needed some help. We actually got to go to Labor and Delivery this time!!! The contractions were registering on the machines, but I was not dialating. Good news. The doctor said the kidney stones must have moved and was causing the contractions and pain. They sent me home with pain pills and said drink tons of fluids. Other than putting in an IV and flushing tons of fluids, that is all they can do at this point. So...another waiting game. Waiting for the kidney stones to pass. Oh please, oh please pass. It is tiring for my entire family to have mommy contracting everyday. Probably because it makes this mommy not able to sleep, and very, very irritable. All part of the fun.

The Best Appointment....so far!!

We think she looks like a Price baby here! Round pretty head and a pointy chin!!!

Yes, I look tired because I am :) That's what happens when your friend comes for less than a 24 hour visit.

Children, look away. Do adjust the dial on your screens, my belly has really gotten this big!!!

Today was the "big day". I went to the specialist and had Hope's big heart ultrasound. At the last ultrasound the doctor had said that her umbilical cord only had the two vessels instead of the three and that could be caused by a heart defect. The hygroma could also be caused from a heart issue. So I went into the appointment knowing that it could be a difficult appointment.

So here's a little back story before we get to Dr. Howard's office early Monday morning. When we lived in Indiana we had wonderful friends that became "family". The Crone's and Price's were ALWAYS at each other's birthday parties and events and just always at each other's houses. Our kids are bestfriends and it has been very hard to be apart. Well... Elisabeth turned 10 this past week and the Crone's surprised her and came to her birthday party this past Sunday!!! It was the best thing to hear the screaming and jumping up and down!!! Big Blessing for the kids. The big blessing for me was that my friend, Edie, got to come to Hope's ultrasound. What a blessing that my good friend was able to be here for this big day!!! Of course Edie and I stayed up WAY too late last night and dragged ourselves out of bed to get ready for the early appointment. We drove to Duncan Donuts and got her a coffee and then we got on the road to the doctor's. I was feeling a little nervous about today's visit and wondering what would be found. There seems to be just so much that we have "digested" during these past few months. I tried not to guess at all of the possibilities. Edie and I had a good time just goofing around waiting for my turn.

I had a new tech today and she was the sweetest ever. She was very friendly and so talkative, I know this is a surprise but I love that!! :) When the ultrasound started and Hope appeared on the screen I couldn't believe it. She had gotten so big!!! The tech thought she was sleeping because her little arms were over her face and she was very still and so sweet. She was able to get some great pictures of her heart and her other organs. Wonderful news and BIG praise, Hope's heart looks great. Blood flow was wonderful, chambers clear and great. Everything looked wonderful. Then the doctor came in and he had his turn. Hope woke up and was all over the place, it was actually kind of funny. He finally was able to get good pictures and he confirmed that she was doing wonderful. He asked if I had been drinking Miracle Grow?? I asked why and he said, she is in the 81% range on the growth chart!!!! She is measuring big and wonderful. She is about 1 pound 2 ounces now and looks absolutely beautiful. Here is the best part..... the cystic hygroma is measuring 1.3!!! It was 1.7 last visit. This is a huge answer to prayer. This is a quote from the doctor, " except for the hygroma this baby looks totally healthy." That was music to my ears and just another big testimony of God's healing hand and grace. I can not say how much we appreciate your prayers and support. We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the prayers that are being lifted for our daughter are powerful. They are what is keeping our family going right now. Thank you.